putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
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“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.