@dadmann_walking

Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive

I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila

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@Parkerlawyer

5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”

Me, “No.”

5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”

@eskimo_tekillya

I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.

@bazecraze

Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.

@abhorrent_wife

I would totally get into a stranger’s windowless van if they took me away from my family for an hour.

@ElizaBayne

Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks

@shutupmikeginn

A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!

@tweetsvisual

I need some sun on this skin. I’m starting to look whiter than a Fleetwood Mac concert.

@robdelaney

It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.