Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
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zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
i hope my email finds you on fire
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
The opposite of goth is stopth.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together