Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
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all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Something Saturday.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭