*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*


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I’ve decided to shave off my eyebrows and draw them in. It’s pretty cool, except when I have to redraw them to show somebody I’m angry.


Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer


[My death bed]

*loved ones sobbing*

Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.


My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.


therapy: $90/hr

saying “it eez what it eez”: $0


So when a couple gets engaged on Facebook for April Fools it’s okay to comment “hahaha” but the rest of the year it’s rude??


JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-

ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor


JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you


when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”