No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
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I’ve decided to shave off my eyebrows and draw them in. It’s pretty cool, except when I have to redraw them to show somebody I’m angry.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
So when a couple gets engaged on Facebook for April Fools it’s okay to comment “hahaha” but the rest of the year it’s rude??
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”