Yes, how much for the baby jacuzzi?
Ma’am, that’s a crockpot.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
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Count Chocula cereal is the perfect combination of breakfast and fear.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
God: We need to create something Magical
Angel: Yes, Sir
G: Call it Unicorn
A: *Tries and fails
G: Call it rhinoceros
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
that wasn’t the question
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this