*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*


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Count Chocula cereal is the perfect combination of breakfast and fear.


Talk to your kids about drugs.

Maybe they have better connections than you.


[Secret Meeting]

God: We need to create something Magical

Angel: Yes, Sir

G: Call it Unicorn

A: *Tries and fails

G: Call it rhinoceros


i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now


A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”


It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this



Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this