@BoogTweets

*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*

HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!

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@juliussharpe

Count Chocula cereal is the perfect combination of breakfast and fear.

@dafloydsta

Talk to your kids about drugs.

Maybe they have better connections than you.

@JustDontBugMe

[Secret Meeting]

God: We need to create something Magical

Angel: Yes, Sir

G: Call it Unicorn

A: *Tries and fails

G: Call it rhinoceros

@fightgeek

i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now

@Darlainky

A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”

@celizario

It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this

@DrakeGatsby

Nobody:

Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this