I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
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#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook