Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
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What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad