Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
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remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?