Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?

A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?

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HR: Does anyone know what FMLA stands for?
Me: Fire My Lazy Ass?
HR: …
Me: I was gonna guess Lesbian Ass but thought that’s inappropriate.


ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?


“What an awesome body-”

Oh… thanks. I work out-

“- of research.”

– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.


*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky


Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!


Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?

Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.


Me: No its a hose lol
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded


me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees


If you think my laughter is infectious, you should try having unprotected sex with me.