Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?

A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.

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If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?


There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo


i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass


Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”


All I want for Christmas is to have this generational curse lifted and also maybe an air fryer


Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.

I now have to live with this missed opportunity.


Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.


I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.


I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.