Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
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Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
bought wrong eggs
Traveler’s camo
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.