Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
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“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.