COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
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you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*