*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
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What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
No. YOU-buprofen.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.