Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
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Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
good let them take over I have had enough
This is painfully accurate 😅
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Never be a pizza!
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.