Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.

#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

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Can you describe the man who did this
*me crying*
“he was a meanie head”
No describe his face, sir
*clenches fist*
“He had a stupid face”


Even a broken clock is right twice a day, unless it lives with a woman


I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.


[sheriff’s office]

me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition

deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records

me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now


I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park


Bay: come over

Me: no, I’m watching TMNT

Bay: I made one too

Me: but it’s awful

Bay: come watch it

Me: who gave you my number, Michael


Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds


What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.


After three beers in a bikini I quit holding in my stomach and just think of baby names to tell people.