Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
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me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.