Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
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It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
They must have gotten it to go.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Guantanamo Bae
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”