I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
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If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
it is time once again
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready