@Mr_Kapowski

Q: When is Santa’s birthday?

A: Since Santa comes once a year and he’s married, Santa’s birthday is December 25th

You Might Also Like

@ArfMeasures

WIFE: Carol’s hubby gives her flowers EVERY day. I’d LOVE u to do that
ME: Ok

[next day]
ME [giving Carol flowers] No I don’t get it either

@ianpauldukes

HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.

ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.

@birbigs

Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?

@ChaseLori

Only people who’ve walked into a sliding glass door can laugh when a bird crashes into a window. Everyone else who does it is a racist.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: My computer broke

IT guy: What have you tried so far?

Me: Everything

IT guy:

Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing

@blaudiablogan

Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.

@tastefactory

COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.

@Mom_Overboard

Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*

Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?

Date: no I meant

Me: but the left lung only has two!

Date: not like th— wait, really?

@DougStanhope

I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.