Meth is short for Elizameth.
Q: When is Santa’s birthday?
A: Since Santa comes once a year and he’s married, Santa’s birthday is December 25th
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WIFE: Carol’s hubby gives her flowers EVERY day. I’d LOVE u to do that
ME [giving Carol flowers] No I don’t get it either
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Only people who’ve walked into a sliding glass door can laugh when a bird crashes into a window. Everyone else who does it is a racist.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.