Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
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It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Waiting for the Charmin
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.