*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
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Y’all know who you are.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that