Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams

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Why do we call it “hiring a hitman” and not “ordering takeout”


Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard


Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.

Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*


every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car


*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath*

*heads toward buffet*


I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.


*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*

*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*

*sips wine*


Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?

Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.


Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.


You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…