Why do we call it “hiring a hitman” and not “ordering takeout”
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
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Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
*runs in place*
*takes a deep breath*
*heads toward buffet*
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…