@_youhadonejob1

qo? ?uo p?? no?

You Might Also Like

@ItsDanSheehan

Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today

@david8hughes

Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti

@RidiculousSheri

Him: What’s your fantasy, baby

Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS

@ericsshadow

[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?

@therealeatwood

ME: So you indicate action using airstrikes?

HER: What? No, I said asterisks.

ME: Ha, of course. [to walkie-talkie] Disengage. DISENGAGE!

@Kinglrg_

Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness

@bylinetd

I must be getting old.

The haircut I need is in my nose.

@stevevsninjas

Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.

Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.

@Mirimade

Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!

Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.

Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?

@Marcmywords2

“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”

Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.