qo? ?uo p?? no?

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“Don’t kill it!” my friend pleaded for a spider’s life inside. So I carefully trapped it in a cup, brought it outside, then stomped on it.


*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*


My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.


I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?


A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.


Me: Can you please move? I have no space

My husband: Where? There’s literally no room

Me: I hear Canada is nice


[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall


America’s Got (a very loose definition of what constitutes) Talent.


My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot