@_youhadonejob1

qo? ?uo p?? no?

You Might Also Like

@SCbchbum

“Don’t kill it!” my friend pleaded for a spider’s life inside. So I carefully trapped it in a cup, brought it outside, then stomped on it.

@BuckyIsotope

*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*

@NintenDom

My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.

@envydatropic

I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?

@dadopotamus

A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.

@not_delicate

Me: Can you please move? I have no space

My husband: Where? There’s literally no room

Me: I hear Canada is nice

@dragonsorbet

[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall

@TheTweetOfGod

America’s Got (a very loose definition of what constitutes) Talent.

@colleen_eileen

My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot