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How to lose weight:

1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall


A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.


[at Waldo’s trial]

Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?

Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page


Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.


The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.


Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?


All these knights going on a quest for the Holy Grail was a waste. They should’ve just asked their moms. Moms can find anything.


Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*


FITNESS TIP: Set a regular gym schedule that’s easy to keep up with. For example, I work out once every 4 years after I vote for president.