“Don’t kill it!” my friend pleaded for a spider’s life inside. So I carefully trapped it in a cup, brought it outside, then stomped on it.
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*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Me: Can you please move? I have no space
My husband: Where? There’s literally no room
Me: I hear Canada is nice
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
America’s Got (a very loose definition of what constitutes) Talent.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
You need to fix your sign you….you….you DIVS.