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That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
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A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes