Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
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911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.