Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
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My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”