quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
You Might Also Like
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
Fidel Castro was alive?
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week