Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
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*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.