@GuyBreakup

Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.

You Might Also Like

@AristotlesNZ

Me: I said no cookies!
4yo: I forgot. Maybe I have amnesia!
Me: How’d you get amnesia?
4yo:..
Me:..
4yo: I don’t remember.
Me: Well played..

@mollzbenn

I was using a q-tip and went in too deep in my ear, and now I can’t do math.

@brokeOclock

Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:

Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot

@skedaddle74

Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…

@Ygrene

[being murdered]
Me: hey stop for a sec
Murderer: what
Me: just want to say you’re really (finger quotes)…killing it
[murdering intensifies]

@SvnSxty

Wife: you can trust me

Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you can usually trust me

@RocketRankoon

*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”

@BareChesty

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead

@OfHella

My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.