Me: I said no cookies!
4yo: I forgot. Maybe I have amnesia!
Me: How’d you get amnesia?
4yo: I don’t remember.
Me: Well played..
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
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When this quarantine is over, let’s not tell some people.
I was using a q-tip and went in too deep in my ear, and now I can’t do math.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Me: hey stop for a sec
Me: just want to say you’re really (finger quotes)…killing it
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife: you can usually trust me
*swivels around in evil chair*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
Me: Yep, he’s dead
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.