Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.

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Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.


[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]


If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.


I hate people who make grandma mistakes.

“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”

*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*

I know what I said.


1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.

3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.


me: hurt me

her: only 1% of all ancient literature survived

me: n-no…

her: for instance, the gallic sack of rome completely wiped out the true story of the founding of rome, forcing historians to rely on roman propaganda and legends

me: stop


me: thanks for letting me work from home

boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home


TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service