Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
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My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.