Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
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My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine