Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
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*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
@funTweeters
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Simple enough.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
meanwhile over on facebook
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly