[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
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*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Me sliding into hell like
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
My life coach traded me.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.