According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
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When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
I party like a Rockstar.
A very poor Rockstar who isn’t in a band anymore and starts yawning by 9pm and just wants to be home drinking tea.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
me: i always get so hungry when i’m high, want some taco bell?
driving test instructor: no
Me: Sorry I’m late for my new job as ship cleaner. What do I do first?
Boss: You mist the boat.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Damn girl, are you the Sunday crossword because I want to spend all day doing you…