@DrakeGatsby

[Quarantine, Day 5]

Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long

My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:

You Might Also Like

@parkersJoking

If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad

@SaltyCorpse

I just want someone who’s willing to barge into my funeral dressed in a hazmat suit screaming, “WE GOT THE AUTOPSY RESULTS BACK! YOU’VE ALL BEEN EXPOSED TO…” then dramatically drop dead while all the doors slam shut.

@Parkerlawyer

I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.

I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.

@JasonLastname

Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok

@transvagmesh

God: I need an Ark built.

*Jesus lowers sunglasses*

Jesus: I Noah guy.

@ClichedOut

Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.

[static]

MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY

@KPsych29

My eyes physically can’t roll any higher up into my skull to show you how annoying you are.

@AsiaDMO

The worst thing about insomnia is discovering all the new hours of the day that you’re hungry.