[Quarantine, Day 5]

Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long

My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:

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According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.


When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.


I party like a Rockstar.
A very poor Rockstar who isn’t in a band anymore and starts yawning by 9pm and just wants to be home drinking tea.


The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.


me: i always get so hungry when i’m high, want some taco bell?

driving test instructor: no


Me: Sorry I’m late for my new job as ship cleaner. What do I do first?

Boss: You mist the boat.


He was a koi.

She was a squirrel.

Can I make it any less obvious?


The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.


Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.


Damn girl, are you the Sunday crossword because I want to spend all day doing you…