[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
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Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Thursday
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.