[Quarantine, Day 5]

Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long

My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:

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If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad


I just want someone who’s willing to barge into my funeral dressed in a hazmat suit screaming, “WE GOT THE AUTOPSY RESULTS BACK! YOU’VE ALL BEEN EXPOSED TO…” then dramatically drop dead while all the doors slam shut.


I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.

I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.


Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok


God: I need an Ark built.

*Jesus lowers sunglasses*

Jesus: I Noah guy.


Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.




My eyes physically can’t roll any higher up into my skull to show you how annoying you are.


The worst thing about insomnia is discovering all the new hours of the day that you’re hungry.