@KyleSmells

quarantine day 8: i don’t think my pet fish is doing too well

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@crocodilethumbs

me: what did you go as for halloween

coworker: I wore-

me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR

coworker:

me:

coworker: did you just ask me that to-

me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING

@mrtruthandsoul

I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.

@Ctrapmrspash

“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers

@bridger_w

For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties

@TheHyyyype

My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.

@delusions_of

“Kill Bill” but me seeking revenge on the person who stole my sandwich.

@Tmoney68

Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.

“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.

@AphroditeAfter5

Yes Grandma, I’m almost positive Arachnophobia is not the fear of people from Iraq