quarantine day 8: i don’t think my pet fish is doing too well

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me: what did you go as for halloween

coworker: I wore-

me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR



coworker: did you just ask me that to-



I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.


“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers


For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties


My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.


“Kill Bill” but me seeking revenge on the person who stole my sandwich.


Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.

“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.


Yes Grandma, I’m almost positive Arachnophobia is not the fear of people from Iraq