My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
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My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.