quarantine day 8: i don’t think my pet fish is doing too well

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*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble

(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)


The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.


Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!

Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.


A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.


FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner


Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.


He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink


My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.


[the Wright brothers before the first flight ever]

Orville: *taking off his shoes*

Wilbur: um what are u doing

Orville: what if i have a bomb