More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
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I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…