I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
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Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy