[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
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Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch: