Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
You Might Also Like
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
I forgot how to panic. Help
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo