Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
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Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck