I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
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At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.