[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
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I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Bobby pin
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
They must have gotten it to go.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.