[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
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Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.