@3sunzzz

“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.

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@NotNikk

Why I gotta put a seatbelt on but the garbage man can hang off the back of the truck

@DothTheDoth

I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.

@tangledteatime

Me: Let me pet your dogs, mister!

Him: Not you again. Get outta here!

[LATER]

Me: *wearing moustache* Excuse me sir

@AnkCoupleTO

Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background

Don’t ask me how I know

@novicefather

I was gonna put on my cowboy hat and sit on my patio shirtless to showcase my abs when I realized I don’t own a cowboy hat, a patio, or abs.

@DanMentos

“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”

@linkindrinkin

james bond: shaken not stirred

home depot employee: thats how we always mix the paint

@HatfieldAnne

I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”

@stephenjmolloy

Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.

Me: But I have work tomorrow.

Brain: I don’t care-

*alarm goes off*

-okay you can sleep.

@rudy_mustang

God: then u become a butterfly

Caterpillar: wow the rest of my life as a butterfly

God: yah lol the “rest”

C: how long

G

C:how long God