Why I gotta put a seatbelt on but the garbage man can hang off the back of the truck
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I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
Me: Let me pet your dogs, mister!
Him: Not you again. Get outta here!
Me: *wearing moustache* Excuse me sir
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
I was gonna put on my cowboy hat and sit on my patio shirtless to showcase my abs when I realized I don’t own a cowboy hat, a patio, or abs.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
james bond: shaken not stirred
home depot employee: thats how we always mix the paint
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
God: then u become a butterfly
Caterpillar: wow the rest of my life as a butterfly
God: yah lol the “rest”
C: how long
C:how long God