back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
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Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Lmao
Need this in my life lol
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).