[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
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In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.