*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
You Might Also Like
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.