Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
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All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
one last job
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie