Queen Elizabeth is celebrating 60 years on the throne.

I assume it was something she ate.

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An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.


*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*

Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE


I put my pants on like everyone else, when there’s a knock on the front door.


I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.


Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day


*Job interview

Him: Any special achievements?

Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed

H: Alright, you’re hired

M: Really?

H: No.


Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts

Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren


I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.


*opens new donut shop called “The Gym”*

You’re welcome.