An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Queen Elizabeth is celebrating 60 years on the throne.
I assume it was something she ate.
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*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Chaos in the UK.
I put my pants on like everyone else, when there’s a knock on the front door.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
*opens new donut shop called “The Gym”*