Queen Elizabeth is celebrating 60 years on the throne.

I assume it was something she ate.

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7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*


coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes


i wanna look like a snack this summer but i keep eating them


the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”


A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.


Unfaithful Russian men come home to find all their stuff in a box in a box in a box in a box in a box in a box in a box on the sidewalk.


If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.


I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves


If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.