@birbigs

Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django

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@Ms_Laser

If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.

@Mr_Kapowski

It doesn’t matter if you can tell an Asian from a African elephant if it’s charging you

At that point, it’s irrelephant

@nattylumpo88

I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.

@NickSwardson

I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.

@yasminTBH

An old Nigerian man just played a siren sound on his phone in the line at the airport to announce someone stole his sandals, I can’t breathe

@KevinFarzad

Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.

@theblowout

my interventions would be so much more effective if every single reason i drink wasn’t there