person: what is your dog’s name
me: he won’t say
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
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If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
It doesn’t matter if you can tell an Asian from a African elephant if it’s charging you
At that point, it’s irrelephant
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
An old Nigerian man just played a siren sound on his phone in the line at the airport to announce someone stole his sandals, I can’t breathe
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
my interventions would be so much more effective if every single reason i drink wasn’t there