Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
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6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess