Question : if you fart at the gym can people wearing headphones still smell it?

Asking for a friend

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[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.

Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*


I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.


Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.

Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.

Me: That’s different, that’s food.


If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits


[sketchy parking lot]

stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?

me: maybe if i get a running start


If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.


In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.


I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband


[at a fall festival]

Him: you look gourdgeous

Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*

Him: please don’t leaf


It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.