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All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Feels
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.