@Junkyardigan: What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An investigator. *drops mic* *deletes account*

@Jarhead44: FYI - Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga. I'll keep you all posted.

@LizHackett: Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.

@stephenjmolloy: Mugger: "Hand over your stuff! No funny business!" *I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*

@causticbob: When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil. Worked a treat. Got me twenty years.