Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.
Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
Question : if you fart at the gym can people wearing headphones still smell it?
Asking for a friend
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I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.