*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
You Might Also Like
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
what does he know…
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.