Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
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“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.