[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
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They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…